deliberate flashbacks

While he was having fast flashbacks of her face,
he realized that these aren’t really flashbacks!
it was just his mind playing back random images from his memory,
images chosen by him! even a bit modified by him!
he felt a bit desperate for doing that!
“why can’t I have just normal flashbacks?
so I can feel there’s a connection somewhere to go look for it??!!?”
He told himself.

The fact is; there’s no connection,
there are no flashbacks,
and that magical moment that he’s been waiting for,
it’s nothing but an illusion.
but even with knowing all this,
will he stop?